Breaking

(Missing posts)

[Ashley McGowen] "It'll happen gradually," Ashley tells her, reaching for one of the tissues and mopping off the side of Enid's face, freeing a few strands of hair that had been stuck to her skin. "You'll feel better next week than you do now, and the week after that, and eventually feeling like this will be a distant memory. It'll probably always hurt a little, but it won't always be like this."

The words are coming easier now, now that she is trying to speak from the place that she writes from. Now that she's given up on trying to teach Enid, stopped thinking that she -has- to comfort her.

"You'll start thinking about other things and they'll draw your attention away from it more and more. That's why I'm trying to keep you busy. It doesn't work yet, but it will eventually."

[Enid Geraint] "I . . . should I not be worried about Uncle Zeke? I mean, he shot Austin. And Uncle Dan, and Uncle Steve is dead, and Mama . . . and Daddy . . ."

There's another sniffle but, to her credit, Enid doesn't start crying again despite the disjointedness. It's a lot, really, for anyone - let alone a seventeen year old girl for whom everything was pretty normal six months ago. She hasn't learned to parse everything yet, and it shows.

"Austin didn't want to go meet Uncle Zeke, you know. I pouted at him until he agreed." And now, she's fairly disgusted with her behavior, too.

[Ashley McGowen] "I don't think there's a should or shouldn't. You care about people even after they hurt you, sometimes," Ashley says. "Even if you feel betrayed. As long as you don't let those feelings make you compromise into doing something that will hurt you, it's fine to have them."

She says that she pouted at Austin, and Ashley shakes her head. "Don't feel guilty about that. You trusted him, and he took advantage of you. That was his wrong, Enid, not yours."

[Enid Geraint] "I should have known. You warned me . . . Wharil did . . ." She sighs, and brushes the rest of her hair back from her face but doesn't pull her head up yet; instead, where there'd been rigidness when Ashley first put her arm around the younger girl, she now leans slightly into the Tytalean, as a younger sister might, perhaps. As a friend might.

"I didn't think it could be true. I didn't think they could be bad. I kind of . . . she's my mother," comes with a bit of a wail, quickly schooled back to even. "They're part of my family I know them . . . thought I knew them better than I knew anyone but Daddy."

[Ashley McGowen] "I know," Ashley says, maintaining her hold around Enid's shoulders. She can tell the girl is beginning to give in, to give things voice. This is something Ashley herself would not do - but people have different ways of dealing with problems. "It can happen even if you trust someone. But not everyone is going to do that to you or betray you that way, Enid. Remember that."

This, said more because she hopes it is something Enid will bring to mind eventually than because she thinks she will take it to heart right now. Because she isn't sure what else to say.

[Enid Geraint] "Maybe not like that," she says, and there's a hardening to her voice, a steel that comes to her spine though she doesn't pull away - it's quite possible she'll sit there leaning against Ashley as long as the smaller-but-older girl will allow it. "But they were hardly the first. And I doubt they'll be the last."

The entire mess of her Awakening had been presaged by a betrayal, however insignificant most people might think that particular one would be. Already, she's starting to think maybe that's all most people can be counted on for; to get in, to get close, and then [et tu, Brute?] twist the knife. She's young for that kind of distrust - and she may get over it yet. But still it's there, hovering around the edges.

"Of course not everyone will. I don't know everyone."

[Ashley McGowen] Ashley had wondered whether this, too, was coming: Enid has had a lot of betrayals in a relatively short span of time. Ashley herself, for all of her personality flaws, is a trusting woman; once someone has proven to be competent, once she has decided she likes them, they get her wholehearted trust and affection. But that doesn't mean she doesn't recognize what she might be if her experiences had been along the lines of Enid's.

"They won't be the last," she agrees, "but it won't be everyone you come to trust. You just have to understand that most people will disappoint you at one point or another. You just have to learn to take those disappointments in stride and not let it get in the way of being who you are. You don't learn anything, hiding yourself away."

[Enid Geraint] "I'm not hiding." She is, however, as stubborn as someone with a lower than average [for a mage] Will is likely to be. "I have work to do. And workouts, and stuff at Solomon's," because it's not home, not yet - it's still strange to remember to go there, "and reading, and papers, and other learning. I'm . . ."

She's thoughtful for a moment, and then, "I'm being industrious."

[Ashley McGowen] "That wasn't an accusation," Ashley says. "Just a warning." She glances toward the pile of tissues lying on the wood floor of her study, then back at the top of Enid's head. "I mean, don't hide who you are or keep your distance from other things and people because it will hurt less. Be genuine. You can't be shaped by the world around you unless you let it touch you."

She gives Enid a pat on the shoulder with the arm that's still around them. "I know you're being industrious. Just don't stop there."

[Enid Geraint] "I thought we were the ones shaping the world? Even my teachers and NHS adviser said that." It's wry, though, and vaguely amused; Ashley's looking at her head, and finally Enid turns her neck so her cheek rests on her knees instead of her forehead, so she can look at the older girl. Her eyes are red-rimmed, her face pale, her nose running . . . all told, she's a mess. But at least she's not a particularly self conscious one.

"I'm not stopping anywhere. I'm gonna get better and stronger, as much as I can."

[Ashley McGowen] "We are. But you can't help but be shaped by it, either. If your Will developed without outside input and challenges, you could just sit on top of a mountain and reach Ascension." She glances at Enid's running nose and reaches down to hand her another of the Kleenex.

"That's exactly the attitude I want to hear from you. Keep pushing yourself. You're a good student, and I don't want to see you defeated by this."

[Enid Geraint] "Thanks," she says, taking the tissue, and blows her nose with a little blush. ".....sorry. I didn't mean to . . ."

Even before, she hadn't done well with displays like this; anger is fine. Happiness is fine. But this, letting herself break . . . that had been reserved for strictly private, away from prying eyes. And of course, she doesn't know how to finish the sentence, and nothing's really solved; she just feels a bit emptier, as if a bit of that anger and fear and goodness knows what else went with her tears.

"Of course I'm going to keep pushing myself," she adds after a bit. "There's not really much point if I'm not."

[Ashley McGowen] "It's okay. You should be able to talk to me about stuff like this," Ashley says. And means it; it's done something for her, to be able to help Enid with a problem like this. It's reminded her of the responsibilities she has to the girl other than teaching her. Truth be told she's still a bit frightened of it, but a Hermetic, a strong Will, should be more than capable of handling these.

"...And I mean that. I'm here to help guide you and help you shape yourself into a strong Willworker. So if you need anything from me, you should ask me."

[Enid Geraint] "I'll try," she says, and means it, "but I never really . . . I don't know, got good at asking for stuff. Unless we were out of milk."

It's a bit wry, that, an attempt at levity where she's been having a hard time finding any since her return; she's back to running and baking (at Solomon's now, though Ashley still ends up with more baked goods than she knows what to do with, quite likely), and studying's been a given. "I just . . . I don't know how to go back to normal. Not even pre-Awakening normal, but pre-China normal."

[Ashley McGowen] "You aren't trying to get back to pre-China normal. Things have changed since then," Ashley says, after a moment. "Just...focus on small things, instead of trying to make yourself fit an idea of what you think normal is. Like going a little longer without thinking about it or learning a few more new things."

She has to think about it, when she tells Enid these things: they're coping methods she has undertaken for some time but has never had to explain to someone else. "I want you to start trying to do magic more. And exerting your Will might help in and of itself." It's something Enid -can- control.

[Enid Geraint] "'s why I keep busy all the time, so I can not think about it." And it's true - she's handed in some pretty darn good papers, and revised some of her older ones pretty well, and continues to push on that front; academia is something she understands. Her father is a professor, after all, and most of his classes are masters level or higher. Academia doesn't lie, doesn't betray, doesn't shoot boyfriends in the back or kill uncles, however accidentally.

"And . . . alright. Plus, we still need to work on Ars Mentis." This, of course, is not pleasing to her, and probably understandably so - she's never liked the idea of the sphere and now she['s terrified of it] hates it. But she wants to be able to defend if anyone comes at her as her mother and 'family' did again.

[Ashley McGowen] "We do. I've just been waiting until you were a little more ready to handle it," Ashley says. Until Enid wouldn't be (as much) at risk of having a mental breakdown while they were working. "But we'll begin to work with that very soon."

She's quiet for a moment, thinking. Thinking about the sorts of things she used to do as an apprentice with Bran and Justine, things that helped her. "I'd like to begin setting up challenges for you in a little while, actually. Help you learn to work on the spot. We can include Emily if you'd like. Another apprentice for you to learn with would probably be beneficial."

[Enid Geraint] There's study as Ashley speaks; Enid knows, or can at least guess at some of the reason for the wait, and it displeases her. She's always been near the top of her class, after all, one of the first to progress, growing by leaps and bounds, and the thought of waiting because of the possibility that she might break bothers her immensely. "I can handle it, you know." But that's all she says about that - maybe she can or maybe she can't. In truth, she doesn't really know, having had minimal experience with 'handling' it, and not doing so well at that.

But then, "That would be nice, if Emily wants to. I like her."

[Ashley McGowen] "She reminds me of one of my old cabal mates," Ashley says, after a moment, and no more on it. Perhaps it's why she's pushing Enid in that direction: echoes of things that were, things that helped her at the time. She allows Enid to protest and does not say anything to this, perhaps deciding to let the girl keep her pride.

"It's good for you, to have friends that are going to grow as you do. I wish there were some other Hermetic apprentices around, but we aren't really represented all that well in Chicago, I suppose."

[Enid Geraint] "It would be nice, I think, to know some other people learning the same way . . . but so far, this isn't that different from how I've always learned. More intense, maybe, but the methodology's similar. So really, it's nice to have the exposure to people who aren't all doing it the same way I've been since I started school." Because of course that's what it is to her, to an extent - being thrown into a new sort of college, with the research papers to prove it. "Maybe there'll be more at some point."

[Ashley McGowen] "Maybe. I'm just thinking from a...a social standpoint, even. I met my old cabal mates when we were apprentices. Ended up going to Europe for a few years together, things like that. We're starting with study, but that won't be the only way you'll learn. I'd like you to begin going out and applying your studies, once you know a bit more."

Ashley lets her arm drop, keeping a hand resting between Enid's shoulderblades but beginning to turn her attention to picking up the discarded tissues and throwing them in the wastebasket beneath her desk. "It's not necessary to your learning. Just good for you from a companionship standpoint."

[Enid Geraint] Companionship . . . has proven problematic. Enid's trying to get over it, really - much like she's trying to be okay after the China mess, which is to say she's largely avoiding it. But now! Now, there's a question that has little to do with that, really, and it's asked hesitantly, when she can't see Ashley's face as she's throwing away tissues.

"How many people have you killed, or had a hand in killing?" Because of course there was some truth in what her mother said. Kaye doesn't say things unless there is.

[Ashley McGowen] This seems like an odd question, an odd change of topic. Ashley looks back at Enid once the tissues are all disposed of, and her brows furrow together as her eyes meet her student's. The question is implicit in them. She can't gauge the why, though.

"I've only killed one person, personally," she says after a moment. "At the chantry a few months ago." Enid asked what she'd had a hand in, though, and that's a far more nebulous matter. "Indirectly...more than that, but I don't know how many. It's...war. I never really kept a body count."

[Enid Geraint] It is an odd question, an odd change of topic. "They don't think it's a war anymore, I don't think. That it was, certainly, but mostly they think we . . . deviants . . . are irresponsible, that we play around with more power than any one person should have. That's not . . . exactly what Mama said, but it's close."

After that she wipes her face on her sleeve again and adjusts her position a little - pulls her head up, presses her back flat and straight against the wall.

"They think that you're - not just you, but all of you - a bad influence on me, and all of us are a bad influence on everyone else. She said . . . that they could teach me to manage it, to make sure that nothing like Halloween ever happened again."

[Ashley McGowen] Ashley has to tamp down on the gut reaction that threatens to swell and burst forth from her mouth. It's not something that's entirely foreign; she's heard this before, that Technocrats believe those things. Who knows where she heard it - perhaps from one of the ones in Europe, before - but it doesn't really matter now. Still, the tension is evident.

"The thing you have to keep in mind, Enid, is that we watch our own. We've done it for much longer than the Technocracy's been around. And they -do- see it as a war. If they don't harm us here in the city it's only because they don't have enough people to do it, not because they wouldn't. Won't, when their power base grows." She watches as Enid presses her back against the wall, withdraws from Ashley ever so subtly.

"Law and ethics form because they benefit the people that form them, Enid. You can let someone else dictate your Will - and it's for their own benefit in the end, no matter what they say to convince you - or you can stand on your own."

[Enid Geraint] It is a bit of a withdrawal, but only slight (and not for the reasons Ashley's most likely to imagine, given this conversational turn) - mostly, it's pulling herself straight, holding herself with some semblance of the pride and confidence (the more she looks like it, the more she'll believe it, maybe?) that Ashley'd witnessed before. Enid is not as stubborn and willful as a more experienced magus, it's true, but she's more so than the average girl her age by quite a bit.

"No one else will dictate my will. No one," she says, and it's not the first time Ashley's heard that fierce, Willful tone there; Enid may well be a force to be reckoned with as she improves in knowledge and experience. "But laws and ethics are important to me. You know that." Ashley knows what she wants to be when she grows up, after all, what she's been working for . . . quite possibly since she entered school, given the way she talks about such things. "And they benefit everyone. Not everything needs to be structured and mandated, but everyone needs guidelines, I think."

[Ashley McGowen] "Everyone needs a social contract, so that we can function together as a society. But consider those, too, since so many of them revolve around ownership of property and keeping property in the hands of the people that have it to begin with. It's set up so that stronger people and stronger Wills dominate, and they're going to set the rules so that they can stay where they're at. Self-interest is a good thing. It's beneficial. Just don't mistake it for something else, and understand that it's at the core of anything someone else is trying to get you to do."

The words aren't delivered with bitterness or with any sort of wry cynicism: rather it's with the cool, intellectual detachment any academic would display in talking about a favored subject. "But," she adds, after a moment, "if you persist in that manner of thinking, there's a House that'll suit you eventually. Once you've surpassed your apprenticeship."

[Enid Geraint] "Quaesitori, isn't it? The judges and lawyers of the Order. But you're Tytalean." This gets a bit of a frown - while Quaesitori certainly sounds interesting to her, right up her alley, she'd assumed she'd belong to the same House as Ashley does, eventually. And she knows about that, too - knows how her knowledge of rules and laws could well benefit a house that so often skirts them, how the grasp of politics required to be a lawyer or judge could well help in a House full of complicated political structure . . . on an academic level. She doesn't have the experience, yet, to grasp it more deeply than that.

She's a quick study, though, is Enid - a good student, as Ashley's already pointed out.

[Ashley McGowen] "Yes. And generally apprentices join their mentor's house. But not always. I could find someone suitable to mentor you and induct you into House Quaesitor, once your apprenticeship with me is finished." It wouldn't really be her preference, really, but it could be a valuable thing to have a strong ally with the Quaesitori.

"I'd like to see you go where you want to go. If that's into my House, we'd be happy to have you. If it's not, I'm sure you'd do well there too."

[Enid Geraint] "I guess we'll see," she says, and then there's a stretch, a press against the wall to rise to standing, and a hand offered to her [friend] mentor. "I . . . stopped at Blockbuster earlier, and the grocery store. I think I'd like to watch a movie . . . will you, with me?"

And assuming Ashley agrees, it's something delightfully silly with Sandra Bullock or Reese Witherspoon or similar, something to make two girls laugh. And the popcorn is real, not the microwaveable kind. And there's not much more talking - there's only so much serious, in depth self-analysis a seventeen year old can handle in one night - but there's that companionship, and a bit of fun.